My Meltdown

I AM SO TIERED i DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYONE MORE AND YES I KNOW THAT IS LIFE IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH! A FEW DAYS AGO THERE WAS SOME DRAMA i WAS SO PISSED OFF THAT I WENT OFF THAT WAS BECAUSE THAT STUPID I STOP THERE WELL TODAY ME AND HIM GOT IN TO IT READY BAD I CAN'T BELIEVE MY MOM AND PAULA DID NOT HEAR US PAULA SAY SHE SAW THAT WE WERE IN A DIP TALK SO SHE WENT IN SIDE. I WAS THROWING A COUPLE THING IN THE TRASH AND START WALKING TO HIM TO ASK IF I COULD PET BILL BILL HIS DOG HE SAID YEAH AND WE STARTED TALKING AND I WAS BEING HONEST AND HIS TONE CHANGED AND WE GOT IN TO IT HE SAID THING HE SHOULD NOT SAID AND I SAID THING I SHOULD NOT SAID SOME OF THE THING I DID NOT MEAN AND SOME I DID BUT I WENT HOME AND SAT OUT SAID SMOKING A CIG AND PAULA HAD CALL MY PHONE (WHAT IS FUNNY ABOUT THAT IS SHE LIVES NEXT DOOR LOL) MY MOM TOLD I WAS OUTSIDE AND SHE CAME OUT I THOUGHT MY MOM HAD CALL HER AND TOLD HER THAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT THE FIGHT CAUSE WHEN I WAS INSIDE I BLOW UP A LITTLE ON HER WHEN PAULA I HAD A MELTDOWN A BIG MELTDOWN MY MOM CAME OUTSIDE AND I WENT OFF I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE SHE WANT TO MAKE A POINT I STARTED SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND I HAD TO WALK AWAY AND GO TO THE SMALL FIELD IN FRONT I SAT DOWN A LITTLE WHILE LATER PAULA AND HER DAUGHTER NINA CAME TO TALK TO ME NINA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS SAYING SHE TOLD WHAT I WAS THINKING AND SHE IS ONLY 7 YEARS OLD!
BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT I WOULD HAD HAD A MELTDOWN SOONER OR LATER IT JUST HAPPENED I GOT IN TO IT WITH HIM AND IT FLIPPED THE THE TRIGGER TO THE BIG BALL EMOTION ( I JUST MOON MY MOM LOL ) AND PAIN AND IT CAME ALL OUT WHEN I WAS OFF MY MEDS I COULD SAY IT THAT MY BROTHER DIED BUT I WAS IN DENIAL AND BELIEVE IN MY HEAD THAT MY BROTHER WAS STILL IN HOUSTON TX AND I NOW I BACK ON MY MEDS AND I KNOW THAT HE IS GONE AND I AM NEVER GOING TO SEE OR TALK TO HIM AGAIN THIS WAS ALL INSIDE OF ME WAITING TO GET OUT AND IT DID TODAY NOW NOT ONLY DO I HURT INSIDE I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED i AM S=GOING TO STOP NOW MY HEAD HURTS ( NOT TO RUBE BUT TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS I AM JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF WELL I KNOW I AM SO BACK OFF PLEASE IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS DON'T READ IT!!!

Well I guessing the meds are work before part of me believed that my brother was still in Houston well reality is back and kicking my ass! Now I know that my baby brother is never coming home and it hurts so bad I freak out on my mom I cried all day. I have spent my life mad at my mom and dad for using drugs I always hated drugs but now feeling how I do I understand why people don't want to be in reality I don't want to be in it I hate knowing that my I will never see or hear my brother again! And yes I know that I am a stupid ass for saying this but reality sucks big time!!!
I am a cutter and I made a promise to my brother when he died that I would not hurt myself and I broke it a few weeks ago! I have to stay out side a few hours because I was scared that I was going to hurt myself when I was doing the dishes I saw a knife and I can see myself hurting myself with it. I did not do it I call my aunt and talk to her which she is the one I turn to at times but I went inside I was still crying my mom ask what was wrong and I just went off as I cried screamed and cleaned. Well I need to stop my niece is burn a hole in the floor from run back and froth!

Mental Health & Family: I hate the ways

Mental Health & Family: I hate the ways: "I hate the way I feel! I hate the way she makes me feel! I hate the I can't can't sleep at night! I hate the way I am awake most of the t..."

I hate the ways

I hate the way I feel!

I hate the way she makes me feel!

I hate the I can't can't sleep at night!

I hate the way I am awake most of the time!

I hate the way he took him away before his time!

I hate the way I can not tell him hi!

I hate the way I can't see his face!

I hate the way I can't hear his voice!

I hate the way I forgot his Birthday!

I hate the way I did not say Happy Birthday!

I hate the way I knew he was unhappy!

I hate the way I was a sorry ass sister!!!!

Not knowing what to do!!!

I am not even sure how to start this. A friend that it is like write in a journal which is still hard cause I have a learning disabilitie. When I find out that my brother was gone I gave up on the meds I did not see the point I will never be happy and I was taking lithium when you take med you have to go get blood work every 6 mouths to make sure you don't have to much toxic in you. My brother had really bad mindgrams and took some for it a couple of times and the toxic kill him so why would I talk something like that. When I first told my new doctor he up the dose but the next time went in I told the nurse how I felt so they took me off it!!! It felt like alot of weight was tookin off my sholders and now I want to take my meds I think it has been a week and a half seen I got back on my meds. I no that it not going take take the pain for the lost of my brother but maybe I will not think about cutting or killing myself all the time I hope!