I Finally Asked!

         Monday was the I have to go see my doctor. When I go I have this bad habit of shutting down and not saying or asking what I should but Monday I spoke up and finally started asking questions like  "What is wrong with me" or "Why do I pick something like doing puzzles and can't  get it out of my head or like food "I ate fish everyday 2 to 4 pieces a day till I get where I can not stand even the smell" And the main question was about "What disorder I was?" First I heard I was Manic Depressive then it was Schizoaffective Disorder, then it changed to Bipolar Disorder. I finally ask what am I and he said Schizoaffective with signs of Bipolar which I do not know what that means! But once I got started I could not stop so when I got home my sister had to listen to me. When she left I message the one person that really listens and love me for me. I know that she has gone though the hardest times and pick herself up and changed her life around. She is not my blood but she is my aunt no matter what! I have know my whole life. She was friends with my so call mom way before I was born. And her sister married my uncle.
On Monday I did not plain to go off like I did but she listened and gave me words of wisdom. This is some of what we talk about

4:09 PM me: Hi yoyo

4:10 PM I went to the doctors today

 Jessie: Good and what did they say

10 minutes

4:21 PM me: I finally had the guts to ask about what I am. because the 1st thing I heard I was (Well can't spell it) the 2nd thing was Schizoaffective then it was bipolar now it is back to Schizoaffective with sign or something og bipolar

4:23 PM he raised my Seroquel again now I am taking 600MG

4:24 PM Jessie: Ok....so how do you feel about all that.does it change how you feel..cuz its just words...what you are is andrea....in all your glory....you are the same girl we loved yesterday and will love tomorrow....that's who you are....don't let other ...WORDS....define you...you my love....are ...ANDREA...

4:26 PM did you need more

4:27 PM me: thank you i sorry I should not layed that down on you like that

  love you

4:28 PM Jessie: No don't be sorry...I knew all of that...voices is schitzofrania....but that doesn't define who you are to me...and it should not to you either

9 minutes

4:38 PM me: I love that it does not bother you because of that but I sorry I hate me it was being mentally damage that made it were I had to take meds which one of then cause me to lose my teeth. There was a lot of times that I did not like myself cause I am stupid but now my teeth are messed up. I always have Anxiety attacks around people but I can't talk to anyone with out having one because I can't stop hearing that they are looking at your teeth my teeth. Jackie wants to hang out some time and can't because I don't want her to see my teeth

4:41 PM I am tired of feel like this meds are not going to make me like myself I keep taking then because it is better on then off

4:42 PM There is a picture that is very true I am going to send it to you

 Jessie: Andrea..with that kind of thinking...are you telling me that we should not love keile for being exactly who she is...no you would never think that right...and someday when keile us going thru some of this...you ate going to be the only one who will completely understand her..and be able to be there for her in a way we never could....god made you both perfect:...you Re you..and we love you just the way you are

6 minutes

4:49 PM me: what kelie I can't spell but her and other like her are genuine lot inside then self keile will have a great life because she has her mom and you who love her and are going to show her the way! me you taby we did not

4:50 PM I have to go we are going to get my meds thank you for listen or reading i love you

4:51 PM Jessie: Love you too baby ..you are perfect..don't forget that

 me: ty

    I can't say she made me love myself but she let me know that she loves me anyway and that I do have family there!! I have read this a few times and I start to cry everytime! It feels nice to know that even when I have done stupid stuff by hurting myself she still loves me even having a mental illness and a learning disability she is there and still loves me for me. For a while now I thought my family was my sister, my brother in-law, and my beautiful niece now that I have finally asked I know my aunt is there too!! Since Monday the thought of her not been in my life I don't think I be here now. So Aunt Jessie Craig Swinderman Thank you for being in my life and helping save me from myself  I love you more then you will ever now!!!!!

Falling to pieces!

I feel like I am falling apart and sure how to fix it!! This past mouth or more has been hard. It all started out with the sewage over flowing and the girl that lived next to me asked to stay close so I could hear what was being said. It was getting bad I did not see how yelling like they were was fixing anything so I really believe in my heart that it was best if I step in and try to calm them down I was not on any side and I said so but the owner started to yell and start putting me down and I did call her a B*tch after she say I did something I did not do and had just told her I did not! Then she jump in my face talking sh*t taking my safe zone away from me it gone now (I thank god that I was to busy to caught it Before I would have black out and freak out)
Now every time I hear her voice I have a anxiety attack It has got to the point that the
anxiety attacks are on stop. I have always anxiety attacks and been scared to go places but when I went to the doctor's office it was so bad I don't remember it EVER being that bad even my doctor said she had never see me that bad. Now we have to move cause of the mod in here and my so-called mom has C.O.P.D. and the heath people said that we have to throw everything away there people can't just buy everything new and she will not leave us alone the lease she wanted us to sign is so past I don't even know how to write that down but telling kids they can't play here or that they can not have birthday party's or they they can walk in your apartment when ever they want I will never get my safety zone back.
Then I have someone close to me going back to their old way by putting badly and like said yesterday I not going to do anything but she push me closer to my death she is so lucky I made a promise to my brother to stay store that is what has help me make it this long!!! I don't know if someone or who heard what I said but I had a lady from Texas Adult Protective Services and 2 cops show up at my door after it was dark (Which scared me) asking if I was ok and taking my meds and taking pictures of my apartment to see and show their boss how I am living! I know that they came to help me but it pisses out that I was doing good but because someone or some people think if you are Bipolar and or you have a Learning Disorder that you are weak and easy to take your anger out on cause they had a bad day. It not right and I wish it would STOP!!!!! I might be damaged or not as smart as everybody else does not give them the right!!!!!!!
http://www.kiiitv.com/story/15190552/sewage-floods-apartment-complex-residents-seek-help then I was stupid

My Meltdown

I AM SO TIERED i DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYONE MORE AND YES I KNOW THAT IS LIFE IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH! A FEW DAYS AGO THERE WAS SOME DRAMA i WAS SO PISSED OFF THAT I WENT OFF THAT WAS BECAUSE THAT STUPID I STOP THERE WELL TODAY ME AND HIM GOT IN TO IT READY BAD I CAN'T BELIEVE MY MOM AND PAULA DID NOT HEAR US PAULA SAY SHE SAW THAT WE WERE IN A DIP TALK SO SHE WENT IN SIDE. I WAS THROWING A COUPLE THING IN THE TRASH AND START WALKING TO HIM TO ASK IF I COULD PET BILL BILL HIS DOG HE SAID YEAH AND WE STARTED TALKING AND I WAS BEING HONEST AND HIS TONE CHANGED AND WE GOT IN TO IT HE SAID THING HE SHOULD NOT SAID AND I SAID THING I SHOULD NOT SAID SOME OF THE THING I DID NOT MEAN AND SOME I DID BUT I WENT HOME AND SAT OUT SAID SMOKING A CIG AND PAULA HAD CALL MY PHONE (WHAT IS FUNNY ABOUT THAT IS SHE LIVES NEXT DOOR LOL) MY MOM TOLD I WAS OUTSIDE AND SHE CAME OUT I THOUGHT MY MOM HAD CALL HER AND TOLD HER THAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT THE FIGHT CAUSE WHEN I WAS INSIDE I BLOW UP A LITTLE ON HER WHEN PAULA I HAD A MELTDOWN A BIG MELTDOWN MY MOM CAME OUTSIDE AND I WENT OFF I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE SHE WANT TO MAKE A POINT I STARTED SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND I HAD TO WALK AWAY AND GO TO THE SMALL FIELD IN FRONT I SAT DOWN A LITTLE WHILE LATER PAULA AND HER DAUGHTER NINA CAME TO TALK TO ME NINA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS SAYING SHE TOLD WHAT I WAS THINKING AND SHE IS ONLY 7 YEARS OLD!
BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT I WOULD HAD HAD A MELTDOWN SOONER OR LATER IT JUST HAPPENED I GOT IN TO IT WITH HIM AND IT FLIPPED THE THE TRIGGER TO THE BIG BALL EMOTION ( I JUST MOON MY MOM LOL ) AND PAIN AND IT CAME ALL OUT WHEN I WAS OFF MY MEDS I COULD SAY IT THAT MY BROTHER DIED BUT I WAS IN DENIAL AND BELIEVE IN MY HEAD THAT MY BROTHER WAS STILL IN HOUSTON TX AND I NOW I BACK ON MY MEDS AND I KNOW THAT HE IS GONE AND I AM NEVER GOING TO SEE OR TALK TO HIM AGAIN THIS WAS ALL INSIDE OF ME WAITING TO GET OUT AND IT DID TODAY NOW NOT ONLY DO I HURT INSIDE I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED i AM S=GOING TO STOP NOW MY HEAD HURTS ( NOT TO RUBE BUT TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS I AM JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF WELL I KNOW I AM SO BACK OFF PLEASE IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS DON'T READ IT!!!

Well I guessing the meds are work before part of me believed that my brother was still in Houston well reality is back and kicking my ass! Now I know that my baby brother is never coming home and it hurts so bad I freak out on my mom I cried all day. I have spent my life mad at my mom and dad for using drugs I always hated drugs but now feeling how I do I understand why people don't want to be in reality I don't want to be in it I hate knowing that my I will never see or hear my brother again! And yes I know that I am a stupid ass for saying this but reality sucks big time!!!
I am a cutter and I made a promise to my brother when he died that I would not hurt myself and I broke it a few weeks ago! I have to stay out side a few hours because I was scared that I was going to hurt myself when I was doing the dishes I saw a knife and I can see myself hurting myself with it. I did not do it I call my aunt and talk to her which she is the one I turn to at times but I went inside I was still crying my mom ask what was wrong and I just went off as I cried screamed and cleaned. Well I need to stop my niece is burn a hole in the floor from run back and froth!

Mental Health & Family: I hate the ways

Mental Health & Family: I hate the ways: "I hate the way I feel! I hate the way she makes me feel! I hate the I can't can't sleep at night! I hate the way I am awake most of the t..."

I hate the ways

I hate the way I feel!

I hate the way she makes me feel!

I hate the I can't can't sleep at night!

I hate the way I am awake most of the time!

I hate the way he took him away before his time!

I hate the way I can not tell him hi!

I hate the way I can't see his face!

I hate the way I can't hear his voice!

I hate the way I forgot his Birthday!

I hate the way I did not say Happy Birthday!

I hate the way I knew he was unhappy!

I hate the way I was a sorry ass sister!!!!

Not knowing what to do!!!

I am not even sure how to start this. A friend that it is like write in a journal which is still hard cause I have a learning disabilitie. When I find out that my brother was gone I gave up on the meds I did not see the point I will never be happy and I was taking lithium when you take med you have to go get blood work every 6 mouths to make sure you don't have to much toxic in you. My brother had really bad mindgrams and took some for it a couple of times and the toxic kill him so why would I talk something like that. When I first told my new doctor he up the dose but the next time went in I told the nurse how I felt so they took me off it!!! It felt like alot of weight was tookin off my sholders and now I want to take my meds I think it has been a week and a half seen I got back on my meds. I no that it not going take take the pain for the lost of my brother but maybe I will not think about cutting or killing myself all the time I hope!