I Finally Asked!

         Monday was the I have to go see my doctor. When I go I have this bad habit of shutting down and not saying or asking what I should but Monday I spoke up and finally started asking questions like  "What is wrong with me" or "Why do I pick something like doing puzzles and can't  get it out of my head or like food "I ate fish everyday 2 to 4 pieces a day till I get where I can not stand even the smell" And the main question was about "What disorder I was?" First I heard I was Manic Depressive then it was Schizoaffective Disorder, then it changed to Bipolar Disorder. I finally ask what am I and he said Schizoaffective with signs of Bipolar which I do not know what that means! But once I got started I could not stop so when I got home my sister had to listen to me. When she left I message the one person that really listens and love me for me. I know that she has gone though the hardest times and pick herself up and changed her life around. She is not my blood but she is my aunt no matter what! I have know my whole life. She was friends with my so call mom way before I was born. And her sister married my uncle.
On Monday I did not plain to go off like I did but she listened and gave me words of wisdom. This is some of what we talk about

4:09 PM me: Hi yoyo

4:10 PM I went to the doctors today

 Jessie: Good and what did they say

10 minutes

4:21 PM me: I finally had the guts to ask about what I am. because the 1st thing I heard I was (Well can't spell it) the 2nd thing was Schizoaffective then it was bipolar now it is back to Schizoaffective with sign or something og bipolar

4:23 PM he raised my Seroquel again now I am taking 600MG

4:24 PM Jessie: Ok....so how do you feel about all that.does it change how you feel..cuz its just words...what you are is andrea....in all your glory....you are the same girl we loved yesterday and will love tomorrow....that's who you are....don't let other ...WORDS....define you...you my love....are ...ANDREA...

4:26 PM did you need more

4:27 PM me: thank you i sorry I should not layed that down on you like that

  love you

4:28 PM Jessie: No don't be sorry...I knew all of that...voices is schitzofrania....but that doesn't define who you are to me...and it should not to you either

9 minutes

4:38 PM me: I love that it does not bother you because of that but I sorry I hate me it was being mentally damage that made it were I had to take meds which one of then cause me to lose my teeth. There was a lot of times that I did not like myself cause I am stupid but now my teeth are messed up. I always have Anxiety attacks around people but I can't talk to anyone with out having one because I can't stop hearing that they are looking at your teeth my teeth. Jackie wants to hang out some time and can't because I don't want her to see my teeth

4:41 PM I am tired of feel like this meds are not going to make me like myself I keep taking then because it is better on then off

4:42 PM There is a picture that is very true I am going to send it to you

 Jessie: Andrea..with that kind of thinking...are you telling me that we should not love keile for being exactly who she is...no you would never think that right...and someday when keile us going thru some of this...you ate going to be the only one who will completely understand her..and be able to be there for her in a way we never could....god made you both perfect:...you Re you..and we love you just the way you are

6 minutes

4:49 PM me: what kelie I can't spell but her and other like her are genuine lot inside then self keile will have a great life because she has her mom and you who love her and are going to show her the way! me you taby we did not

4:50 PM I have to go we are going to get my meds thank you for listen or reading i love you

4:51 PM Jessie: Love you too baby ..you are perfect..don't forget that

 me: ty

    I can't say she made me love myself but she let me know that she loves me anyway and that I do have family there!! I have read this a few times and I start to cry everytime! It feels nice to know that even when I have done stupid stuff by hurting myself she still loves me even having a mental illness and a learning disability she is there and still loves me for me. For a while now I thought my family was my sister, my brother in-law, and my beautiful niece now that I have finally asked I know my aunt is there too!! Since Monday the thought of her not been in my life I don't think I be here now. So Aunt Jessie Craig Swinderman Thank you for being in my life and helping save me from myself  I love you more then you will ever now!!!!!